1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:07,660
You never have to feel that the night is
yours alone.

2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:12,040
You have to feel the storm.

3
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,660
You have to feel it by the world beyond.

4
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,920
You are alone.

5
00:00:21,420 --> 00:00:24,540
It's a small world where you grow.

6
00:00:30,751 --> 00:00:38,279
I know I've messed you about, and I'll
understand if you don't want to, Tanya.

7
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:41,710
But I'd really love it if you'd allow me
to take you out for that drink.

8
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:43,590
You would?

9
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,130
Oh, great.

10
00:00:45,300 --> 00:00:51,219
You were born with football boots and a
suntan complexion. You weren't sorted on

11
00:00:51,220 --> 00:00:54,100
reflection. You'd really got it made.

12
00:00:55,660 --> 00:00:58,900
Shrugged and smiled and made the usual
excuses.

13
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,320
Suffered small abuses.

14
00:01:26,530 --> 00:01:30,810
Can I? Can you finish with this liver
and onions or what?

15
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,700
Are you having one, Tommy? No, thanks.
I'll stay on my own.

16
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:42,260
Yeah, my Joan's thinking about taking a
driving test again, Tommy.

17
00:01:42,261 --> 00:01:46,299
Is she? Yeah, my brother's been giving
her lessons. He reckons she's about

18
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:47,380
now. Oh, heck.

19
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:51,499
Yeah, she's a bit rusty on the highway
code, but I've been helping her out

20
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:53,060
because I know that off by heart.

21
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,170
I thought you might.

22
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:58,050
Yeah, that's what she failed on last
time. She got one of the questions

23
00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:01,560
Ooh, I felt sorry for her. It was a
tough one, really.

24
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,210
What was it?

25
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:07,740
What sign would you expect to see when
travelling down a narrow country lane?

26
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,740
What did she say?

27
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,600
Fresh farm eggs for sale.

28
00:02:12,060 --> 00:02:13,110
Oh.

29
00:02:14,060 --> 00:02:15,920
That's 4 .48, please, Joe.

30
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,480
There you go, love. Call it 4 .49.

31
00:02:18,481 --> 00:02:24,259
Hey, Mel, who was your dad going out
with last night? All done up like a

32
00:02:24,260 --> 00:02:27,210
dinner? I was just taking your mum out
for a drink. Your mum?

33
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,599
Yeah. He's not getting back with her, is
he? Oh, no, no, that's the last thing

34
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:32,279
he wants.

35
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:35,290
He was just burying the hatchet with her
for my sake, really.

36
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:38,160
He was inviting her to my 21st do next
week.

37
00:02:38,420 --> 00:02:42,060
Oh, that's kind of him, isn't it? It
mustn't have been easy for him. Yeah.

38
00:02:43,030 --> 00:02:46,929
She's not coming anyway. My real dad's
coming. She won't be seen dead in the

39
00:02:46,930 --> 00:02:50,809
same room as him. We all thought it was
Tanya he was taking out when he wouldn't

40
00:02:50,810 --> 00:02:51,860
tell us. Oh, yeah.

41
00:02:52,050 --> 00:02:53,590
Chance would be a fine thing.

42
00:02:53,910 --> 00:02:58,489
I know, but the poor girl's on
tenterhooks. And who can blame her? If a

43
00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:02,489
promises to take you out for a drink,
you don't expect to be kept waiting, do

44
00:03:02,490 --> 00:03:03,540
you?

45
00:03:03,790 --> 00:03:04,840
No.

46
00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:08,650
She won't wait forever, will she?

47
00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:22,480
What are you doing, Penny?

48
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,730
I'm building a rocket ship, ma 'am. What
does it look like?

49
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,170
I was thinking of going to the moon this
weekend.

50
00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:30,550
Get yourself an helmet, you can come
with me.

51
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,260
I mean, if Wallace and Gromit can do it,
why can't we?

52
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,420
Just like your father you are.

53
00:03:36,421 --> 00:03:37,499
I know.

54
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:40,450
He had to iron his own pants all the
time as well, didn't he?

55
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:43,460
I wish he'd give over. Just leave him
there.

56
00:03:43,461 --> 00:03:46,219
They'll be done when this programme's
finished.

57
00:03:46,220 --> 00:03:47,270
Why, when is you?

58
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,270
Yes, he should have been here five
minutes ago.

59
00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:51,800
I'll do it myself.

60
00:03:52,470 --> 00:03:53,520
I don't know.

61
00:03:53,810 --> 00:03:56,580
Well, you don't buy a dog and bought
yourself, can you?

62
00:03:57,030 --> 00:03:59,740
I thought you was going to do all the
ironing on Sunday.

63
00:03:59,950 --> 00:04:02,270
You know I never work on the Sabbath
day.

64
00:04:02,990 --> 00:04:04,170
Or the other bloody six.

65
00:04:05,771 --> 00:04:09,269
Have you turned the heating off, Mum?

66
00:04:09,270 --> 00:04:10,320
Yeah, we're too hot.

67
00:04:10,550 --> 00:04:11,810
Well, it's freezing here.

68
00:04:11,811 --> 00:04:14,269
I haven't got no pants on, have you not
noticed?

69
00:04:14,270 --> 00:04:15,410
Yeah, I have, actually.

70
00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:17,649
Put me right off my walnut whip.

71
00:04:23,510 --> 00:04:24,560
Hiya. Hiya.

72
00:04:24,850 --> 00:04:25,900
Half a cider?

73
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:28,589
Oh, please, love, and two coats and two
cheese and onion.

74
00:04:28,590 --> 00:04:29,640
Kids in the car?

75
00:04:29,730 --> 00:04:31,050
Yeah. They'll be all right?

76
00:04:31,051 --> 00:04:35,029
Yeah, I've just popped a tape in for
them. That'll keep them happy for a bit.

77
00:04:35,030 --> 00:04:36,190
They love Chubby Brown.

78
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:39,890
Three nights, you please, Dad.

79
00:04:45,270 --> 00:04:47,930
Can you not come in in? It's not seen
all week.

80
00:04:48,270 --> 00:04:49,710
Yeah, you should be in in a bit.

81
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,240
Oh, just get that.

82
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,120
Hiya. All right, love. Is everything
okay?

83
00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:58,570
Yeah, fine.

84
00:04:58,571 --> 00:05:01,839
She was in just the usual Lexus when one
flew over the cuckoo's nest.

85
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:02,890
Yeah.

86
00:05:02,891 --> 00:05:05,779
I know Debbie's in. I've just seen her
car.

87
00:05:05,780 --> 00:05:07,000
Yeah, yeah. She's in.

88
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:08,770
Is she on her own?

89
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,360
Yeah. Well, you can cope.

90
00:05:12,780 --> 00:05:14,960
She's meeting Tanya in a bit, she said.

91
00:05:16,940 --> 00:05:21,400
Yeah, well, I might just wander down in
a bit. You don't have to on my account,

92
00:05:21,540 --> 00:05:23,080
Dad. Like you say, I can cope.

93
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:24,550
Yeah, yeah, no.

94
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:26,180
Well, I'll see you anyway.

95
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:27,860
Right. See you.

96
00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,720
I'm just getting a quick bath, Mum.

97
00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,350
Right. Do you want me to put an outfit
out on your bed for you?

98
00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,410
No, thanks, Mum.

99
00:05:41,500 --> 00:05:43,240
I shall be dressing myself tonight.

100
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,220
Hiya. Hiya.

101
00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:49,560
Please,

102
00:05:49,710 --> 00:05:53,140
Mel, I'm gagging. Hey, you don't know
the latest about Duffy, do you?

103
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:54,530
He's missed his back.

104
00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:56,800
Honestly,

105
00:05:57,070 --> 00:06:01,429
he rang me up at work to tell me. Did
he? Yeah. That's a turnaround, isn't it?

106
00:06:01,430 --> 00:06:02,509
What's brought that on?

107
00:06:02,510 --> 00:06:05,829
By the sound of it, she's doing it more
for the kids than anything else.

108
00:06:05,830 --> 00:06:07,790
You can understand that, can't you?

109
00:06:08,010 --> 00:06:10,660
Being away really started to get to him,
apparently.

110
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:12,250
Missing the dad, were they?

111
00:06:12,251 --> 00:06:15,069
No, it was more the schoolmates. But
they're back now, aren't they? And she's

112
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,540
giving him another chance. That's the
main thing.

113
00:06:18,410 --> 00:06:19,550
There you go, Mel.

114
00:06:19,910 --> 00:06:20,960
Looks like that.

115
00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:23,710
Good news, though, isn't it? Oh, I'll
tell you.

116
00:06:27,910 --> 00:06:28,960
Hello?

117
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:30,340
Hi, Dean.

118
00:06:31,050 --> 00:06:34,790
Joe, Joe, I've got some information you
might find interesting.

119
00:06:34,791 --> 00:06:38,469
It's not about the dog that found the
World Cup, is it? What, pickles?

120
00:06:38,470 --> 00:06:39,429
No, no.

121
00:06:39,430 --> 00:06:40,480
It's about Ken.

122
00:06:40,770 --> 00:06:43,930
What about him fancying Tanya? Everybody
knows that. Does he?

123
00:06:44,350 --> 00:06:47,130
Yeah. I told you that, Eddie.

124
00:06:47,770 --> 00:06:49,430
Aye, you did, my love.

125
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,990
Yeah, everybody knows that, Joe.

126
00:06:53,050 --> 00:06:55,210
Anyway, what were you telling me?

127
00:06:55,550 --> 00:06:58,070
No, you were telling me something about
Ken.

128
00:06:59,350 --> 00:07:00,910
What about him fancying Tanya?

129
00:07:01,450 --> 00:07:04,700
Bloody hell, I give up. It's like being
in the Marx Brothers, this.

130
00:07:04,730 --> 00:07:06,730
The talk of Ken quitting the pub.

131
00:07:06,950 --> 00:07:08,170
Aye, that's it.

132
00:07:08,650 --> 00:07:09,950
He's after packing it in.

133
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:11,710
You're joking, aren't you?

134
00:07:11,711 --> 00:07:13,989
He's had enough of the brewery, hasn't
he?

135
00:07:13,990 --> 00:07:15,040
That's the rumour.

136
00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:20,360
Blimey. Eddie told me. Tommy told me.
It's true, Debbie told me.

137
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,140
Tommy told me. Eddie told me.

138
00:07:23,560 --> 00:07:26,990
I'm going to have to suss this out for
definite, make a few enquiries.

139
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:28,110
Mel? Hi.

140
00:07:29,340 --> 00:07:31,520
Is your dad throwing the towel in or
what?

141
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:33,840
Who's told you?

142
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,210
Joan told me.

143
00:07:35,420 --> 00:07:38,460
Eddie told me. Tommy told me. Debbie
told me.

144
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:39,770
Tanya told me.

145
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,240
Tanya? I might have known.

146
00:07:41,241 --> 00:07:43,679
She can't keep anything to herself, that
one.

147
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:45,080
So is it true or what?

148
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:50,659
Well, I know he's thinking about it, but
he doesn't like talking about it. He

149
00:07:50,660 --> 00:07:51,980
just changes the subjects.

150
00:07:52,580 --> 00:07:55,500
It's the brewery's fault. They're never
off his back.

151
00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:59,090
Well, the days are numbered for pubs
like this now, aren't they?

152
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,840
They'll probably want to turn it into a
fun pub.

153
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,160
They'll have to evict Tommy first.

154
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:06,800
I'm not going anywhere.

155
00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:09,900
I've been sat at this table for 42
years.

156
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,710
You'd better get off home. Your tea will
be burnt.

157
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:17,559
They can do what they want. I'm not
shifting. This is my seat and I'm

158
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,050
to it. That's because you've not washed
your pants for 42 years either.

159
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,710
At least we've had good news about Duffy
and his wife, haven't we?

160
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,250
It's good news for him. I don't know
about for her.

161
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,280
I'm really pleased for him. I can't wait
to see him.

162
00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,070
Hang on a minute, Joan. Don't say
anything to him yet.

163
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:39,199
He'll probably want to play it down for
a while until the dust has settled and

164
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,940
he's sure she's stopping, you know.

165
00:08:40,941 --> 00:08:42,279
Oh, yeah.

166
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,240
You're right. He will, won't he?

167
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:46,950
Woo!

168
00:08:47,640 --> 00:08:50,120
Oh, baby, give me one more chance.

169
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:52,460
Show me that you love me, won't you?

170
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:59,339
Please let me back in your heart. Oh,
darling, I was blind to let you go. Let

171
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:05,779
you go, baby, now that I see you in his
arms. I want you back. Yes, I do now. I

172
00:09:05,780 --> 00:09:07,160
want you back. Ooh, ooh, baby.

173
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,900
I want you back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, darling.

174
00:09:11,620 --> 00:09:13,000
What you having, everyone?

175
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,130
The drinks are on me.

176
00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,620
Oh, great news, Duffy. I'm delighted for
you.

177
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,150
What a great first date that was, wasn't
it, Tanya?

178
00:09:21,900 --> 00:09:24,080
Like you said, it was just perfect.

179
00:09:24,081 --> 00:09:28,679
What about when we got there and you
said it was your favourite restaurant?

180
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:30,020
I couldn't believe my luck.

181
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,280
Good old Pizza Hut.

182
00:09:33,580 --> 00:09:36,860
No, no, no, I couldn't. Thanks for
asking and don't get me wrong.

183
00:09:36,861 --> 00:09:40,559
I'd love to come in for a coffee, but
I'm an old -fashioned kind of guy and I

184
00:09:40,560 --> 00:09:43,439
don't want to run the risk of offending
a classy bird like you.

185
00:09:43,440 --> 00:09:46,560
So if you don't mind... Oh, what did you
say?

186
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,220
Just stop talking and kiss me.

187
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,450
Come here.

188
00:09:53,740 --> 00:09:59,999
Pretty soon, behind the traitors We'll
string them up like trapes And we'll

189
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:05,080
around like Steve McQueen In the grey
escape

190
00:10:07,010 --> 00:10:08,890
Don't stay in there too long, Kenny.

191
00:10:09,630 --> 00:10:12,040
You know, it makes your head all big and
blotchy.

192
00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:14,740
Right, ma 'am.

193
00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:55,340
Back to shit.

194
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:59,150
Oh, she certainly is, wasn't she? Hey,
and who can blame her?

195
00:10:59,151 --> 00:11:02,679
No, you can't blame her. She couldn't
afford the rent on that big house once

196
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,540
he'd gone back to his wife, could she?

197
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:09,160
No matter how much stuff she pawns.

198
00:11:15,460 --> 00:11:17,780
Yeah, well, you know, maybe.

199
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:21,339
Anyway, how much is that round for
everyone, Mel?

200
00:11:21,340 --> 00:11:23,100
Hey, don't forget your own either.

201
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,720
There you go, Tommy. Cheers, Duffy.

202
00:11:26,460 --> 00:11:28,240
Don't listen to the cleaner, son.

203
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:33,019
Your wife was always going to come back
to you. There was never any doubt in my

204
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:34,420
mind. Yeah, you're right.

205
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:35,900
Thanks for that, Tommy.

206
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,150
Is there any chance of a packet of
cheese and onion as well?

207
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,680
Oh, all right, Winnie, love.

208
00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:45,870
All right, Jane.

209
00:11:46,300 --> 00:11:47,800
Oh, I'm glad you're here, love.

210
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:51,570
Gives me an excuse to stop for five
minutes and have a cup of tea.

211
00:11:52,550 --> 00:11:55,230
Oh, I've been a slave to this ironing
board all day.

212
00:11:56,190 --> 00:11:57,390
Pop kettle on, will you?

213
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:01,120
I'll be with you when I've got through a
bit more of this lot.

214
00:12:01,750 --> 00:12:04,400
I've just took a big pile through there
and hung it up.

215
00:12:05,010 --> 00:12:07,250
Oh, it seems to take forever, my
ironing.

216
00:12:07,930 --> 00:12:11,300
You'd get through it a bit quicker if
your iron was plugged in, Jane.

217
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,589
Here, pal.

218
00:12:26,590 --> 00:12:30,290
Hey. I've got another little present for
you and all, pal. What is it?

219
00:12:31,490 --> 00:12:33,230
Mucky's Polaroids of the Mistress.

220
00:12:33,290 --> 00:12:36,310
Bloody hell, Duffy. I thought you'd lost
interest in her.

221
00:12:36,810 --> 00:12:39,880
Well, I had, but there's a chance I
might get caught again now.

222
00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,550
It's all right. Bloody turn off.

223
00:12:42,310 --> 00:12:43,630
Go on, give us a shuffling.

224
00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:44,920
Good lad. Here.

225
00:12:45,950 --> 00:12:47,000
Hey.

226
00:12:47,410 --> 00:12:50,540
What the hell? She's on her arse like a
badly packed parachute.

227
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,820
Yeah.

228
00:12:52,530 --> 00:12:54,710
Hey. That's my screen saver, that.

229
00:12:54,711 --> 00:12:56,779
Bet you never seen anything like that
before.

230
00:12:56,780 --> 00:12:58,580
Not on an Harry Potter bedspread, no.

231
00:13:00,860 --> 00:13:03,500
Oh, yeah, hey, she took this one of me
for a laugh.

232
00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:06,640
See? It's meant to be her face.

233
00:13:07,860 --> 00:13:10,510
How did you manage to balance them
sunglasses on it?

234
00:13:10,511 --> 00:13:12,919
Oh, I just stuck them on it with a bit
of blue tack.

235
00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:14,720
Looks like Barry Manilow with a perm.

236
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:15,850
I know, yeah.

237
00:13:16,340 --> 00:13:17,540
It's good, isn't it? Oh,

238
00:13:19,140 --> 00:13:21,850
look, I took this one of her doing the
same thing, look.

239
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,880
Hey! It's Jimmy Hill, isn't it? Yeah.

240
00:13:26,780 --> 00:13:28,520
I didn't know he smoked cigars.

241
00:13:28,900 --> 00:13:30,340
I was just improvising there.

242
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:33,120
What's that jar by her bed?

243
00:13:33,540 --> 00:13:35,400
Oh, that's what she keeps her teeth in.

244
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:37,940
Hey, don't knock it.

245
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:40,380
What's she look like with her mouth?

246
00:13:41,140 --> 00:13:42,190
Here.

247
00:13:43,140 --> 00:13:44,190
Bloody hell.

248
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:47,500
What's she laughing at?

249
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,720
Is it like this one, Winnie?

250
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:54,600
Let me have a look.

251
00:13:57,490 --> 00:14:00,030
Yes, it is like that, but Tanya's is a
bit bigger.

252
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:03,510
Bigger? Yeah, and it's got a ceiling
fan.

253
00:14:03,790 --> 00:14:05,250
A ceiling fan? Oh.

254
00:14:06,490 --> 00:14:07,810
Has it got a water feature?

255
00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:09,710
No, I don't think so.

256
00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:11,020
Oh, well, never mind.

257
00:14:14,510 --> 00:14:16,920
This one would look nice in there,
wouldn't it?

258
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,080
Oh, it would.

259
00:14:18,470 --> 00:14:19,520
I'd like that one.

260
00:14:20,430 --> 00:14:21,870
She must be coming in tonight.

261
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:24,050
Who's Tanya? How do you know?

262
00:14:24,850 --> 00:14:26,960
Well, he's up to his bath romantics
again.

263
00:14:26,961 --> 00:14:30,569
He's in there now trying to make himself
look all beautiful.

264
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:34,300
Oh, has he got a surgeon in there with
him then? Oh, hello, Ken. You look nice.

265
00:14:34,301 --> 00:14:36,069
Thanks, Winnie.

266
00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:38,180
Thought it was you effing walking in
then.

267
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:41,469
Yeah, he's never out of his dressing
gown, that fella, is he?

268
00:14:41,470 --> 00:14:44,129
Every time we see him, he's got his
bloody dressing gown on.

269
00:14:44,130 --> 00:14:46,609
You'd think he'd make the effort to get
dressed one day in his life, wouldn't

270
00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:49,739
you? Well, that's because he's never out
of bed with his Irene.

271
00:14:49,740 --> 00:14:52,759
Disgusting, an old man like him. Yeah,
but at his age, who's he trying to kid?

272
00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:56,490
The only thing that's going to get him
up every night is four or five pisses.

273
00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:00,860
My Ron's the same. In and out of bed
every five minutes. He's like a leaky

274
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:05,139
Hey, what about my mum? She was up the
other night sleepwalking. Oh, was she,

275
00:15:05,140 --> 00:15:06,190
Jean?

276
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,770
Well, that's what he says, but I can't
remember it.

277
00:15:08,771 --> 00:15:11,379
Tuesday night it was. I couldn't be
bothered with it half the time.

278
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:14,499
So I locked up and went to bed. There
she was, rooting through my bedside

279
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,429
drawers. I turned the light on and she
jumped out of her skin.

280
00:15:17,430 --> 00:15:18,829
Well, I didn't know where I was.

281
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,049
That's all she kept saying.

282
00:15:20,050 --> 00:15:23,130
Where am I? Where am I? Oh, that's
funny, isn't it?

283
00:15:23,610 --> 00:15:26,530
Who knows the workings of the human
mind, eh, Ken?

284
00:15:26,531 --> 00:15:29,309
You thought it was the first time it had
happened, didn't you, Mum?

285
00:15:29,310 --> 00:15:30,269
Yeah, I did.

286
00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:33,249
Until I found out the next day about a
similar incident that had happened two

287
00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:34,300
nights previous.

288
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:37,760
Sleepwalking back to her room without
Melanie's handbag.

289
00:15:46,220 --> 00:15:47,960
I could do with a mistress, you know.

290
00:15:48,460 --> 00:15:49,510
Wow, what's up?

291
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,040
Keep it to yourself, won't you?

292
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:54,650
We've been having a few problems
recently.

293
00:15:55,180 --> 00:15:56,230
How do you mean?

294
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:01,490
She told me the other night that I
wasn't satisfying her anymore.

295
00:16:02,180 --> 00:16:03,340
Oh, bloody hell, Joe.

296
00:16:03,341 --> 00:16:05,739
They've not stopped you in overtime,
have they?

297
00:16:05,740 --> 00:16:07,120
No, in the bedroom area.

298
00:16:08,060 --> 00:16:09,110
Oh, heck.

299
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:10,310
Why, what's up?

300
00:16:10,540 --> 00:16:13,660
Is the old soldier not standing to
attention, then?

301
00:16:14,080 --> 00:16:16,560
Oh, no. He's got no problem standing to
attention.

302
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:20,280
He just keeps firing off all his
ammunition as soon as he gets into

303
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,240
Oh, right. I see.

304
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:26,799
Are you suffering from premature
ejaculation, then? No, I love it. It's

305
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:27,850
that's suffering.

306
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,840
Well, not to be ashamed of. It happens
to a lot of blokes, that.

307
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,700
Has it happened to you, Duffy?

308
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,010
Has it, boss?

309
00:16:36,011 --> 00:16:39,619
Hey, and don't go spreading crap around
about me like that on all Ben Johnson.

310
00:16:39,620 --> 00:16:42,150
Oh, cheers, pal. Thanks for the vote of
confidence.

311
00:16:42,151 --> 00:16:46,829
Well, you've just got to try and think
of something else to take your mind off

312
00:16:46,830 --> 00:16:47,729
it.

313
00:16:47,730 --> 00:16:49,590
You know, like coming back from 100.

314
00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:51,450
Oh, yeah, it is a good one.

315
00:16:51,730 --> 00:16:55,160
See if you can think of the England
players who won the World Cup in 66.

316
00:16:55,650 --> 00:16:56,700
Does that work?

317
00:16:56,990 --> 00:16:58,040
Of course it does.

318
00:16:58,790 --> 00:17:01,500
Unless you're Dale Winton. Then it just
makes it worse.

319
00:17:02,450 --> 00:17:03,750
Release those balls.

320
00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:06,930
There's another one. Yeah.

321
00:17:07,329 --> 00:17:08,379
Look at that.

322
00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:20,868
You hung around too long, your mother
read your letters, you grinned like a go

323
00:17:20,869 --> 00:17:23,550
-getter, come and got and gone.

324
00:17:24,829 --> 00:17:31,210
Climbed the morning slip lens into the
wallpaper, and once you could escape

325
00:17:31,270 --> 00:17:37,569
but where did you go wrong? And if the
whole world came crashing down around

326
00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:43,670
your ears, you'd dream of stuck -up
wallpaper and crystal chandeliers.

327
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,920
Pretty soon they'll hang the traitors
and string them up like trapes.

328
00:17:50,140 --> 00:17:56,640
And we'll ride around like Steve McQueen
in the greyest cage.

329
00:18:09,950 --> 00:18:12,240
Are you going on a shootout with the
brewery?

330
00:18:12,930 --> 00:18:16,869
What's all the fuss about? It's just
casual wear, that's all. Oh, are you?

331
00:18:16,870 --> 00:18:18,490
casual wear if you're John Wayne.

332
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:21,740
What's a ten -gallon house this month,
are you?

333
00:18:22,190 --> 00:18:23,330
Don't you bloody start.

334
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:26,770
Shite, this is all I need.

335
00:18:26,890 --> 00:18:29,540
That'll be the Magnificent Six looking
for you, Ken.

336
00:18:35,481 --> 00:18:38,159
All right, Ken? All right, lad?

337
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,290
Well, we'd better pack the job in.
There's a new sheriff in town.

338
00:18:41,740 --> 00:18:42,790
Oh, no.

339
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,250
Not you at all.

340
00:18:44,780 --> 00:18:47,200
I didn't realise it was fancy dress,
Ken.

341
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,240
The usual, lads. Beer and a Coke.

342
00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:54,770
Please, Ken.

343
00:18:54,820 --> 00:18:56,340
Yeah, shut him up, bartender.

344
00:18:58,620 --> 00:19:01,440
He's the good, the bad and the ugly all
rolled into one.

345
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,020
Oh, hey, Joe.

346
00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:08,969
He saw your wife in Sainsbury's again
this morning while we were looking at

347
00:19:08,970 --> 00:19:11,590
papers. Tell me, Larry, guess what she's
doing now?

348
00:19:11,870 --> 00:19:12,920
What?

349
00:19:13,170 --> 00:19:14,220
A dinner party.

350
00:19:14,630 --> 00:19:15,680
What? You're joking.

351
00:19:15,681 --> 00:19:16,849
Bloody hell.

352
00:19:16,850 --> 00:19:20,050
I think that's nice, Joe. Whose birthday
is it?

353
00:19:20,530 --> 00:19:21,790
Nobody's, that's just it.

354
00:19:21,890 --> 00:19:26,569
Eh? She's invited a couple of her
friends over from work with her partners

355
00:19:26,570 --> 00:19:28,729
can all get to know one another over
dinner.

356
00:19:28,730 --> 00:19:30,530
And will you have enough trays, Joe?

357
00:19:30,730 --> 00:19:33,250
No. In the dining room, sat round the
table.

358
00:19:34,030 --> 00:19:36,890
What? You're sat around eating food with
no telly on.

359
00:19:37,110 --> 00:19:38,160
That's the plan.

360
00:19:38,370 --> 00:19:39,470
It'll end in tears.

361
00:19:39,910 --> 00:19:41,050
Do you have to help out?

362
00:19:41,051 --> 00:19:42,289
Yeah, I do.

363
00:19:42,290 --> 00:19:43,910
Will you be buttering the bread?

364
00:19:44,370 --> 00:19:47,800
We're not having bread and butter. She's
told me I can't make butties.

365
00:19:48,070 --> 00:19:49,250
What's going on, Joe?

366
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:53,769
So haven't you met any of these people
that she's invited before, then?

367
00:19:53,770 --> 00:19:58,550
No. They've just relocated to her works,
to be fair. That's why she's doing it,

368
00:19:58,590 --> 00:20:00,760
really. You know, to help them all
settle in.

369
00:20:01,070 --> 00:20:02,390
Where have they come from?

370
00:20:03,030 --> 00:20:04,080
London.

371
00:20:04,269 --> 00:20:06,910
Oh, that explains it. You should have
said.

372
00:20:07,170 --> 00:20:10,969
I heard her on the phone to one of them
the other night. She said, why don't you

373
00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:14,220
come round at half past six? We'll have
drinks and nibbles first.

374
00:20:14,350 --> 00:20:16,730
When she came off, I said, nibbles?

375
00:20:17,810 --> 00:20:18,860
Nibbles?

376
00:20:18,910 --> 00:20:20,650
What's with the nibbles business?

377
00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,649
You've never said nibbles before.

378
00:20:22,870 --> 00:20:24,970
Oh, it's a southern expression, Joe.

379
00:20:25,250 --> 00:20:29,750
I've seen it on Mars one time. It means
crisps and or nuts.

380
00:20:30,050 --> 00:20:33,420
I know that, Eddie. I'm just saying
she's gone a bit too far this time.

381
00:20:33,550 --> 00:20:36,320
If you want to avoid it, Joe, you'll be
out of your depth.

382
00:20:36,321 --> 00:20:37,329
I know.

383
00:20:37,330 --> 00:20:38,830
That's what I'm worried about.

384
00:20:39,350 --> 00:20:43,030
Oh, you'll be all right, Joe. Just be
yourself, but with a few airs and

385
00:20:43,870 --> 00:20:45,980
Don't roll the figure between every
core.

386
00:20:45,981 --> 00:20:49,979
Pretend that you appreciate the wine,
and if it's rice pudding for afters...

387
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:52,899
Offer the skin round to your guests
before you go helping yourself.

388
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:56,519
Why don't you go round, Gordon Ramsay,
and pop open a couple of Frey Bentos

389
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,570
for them?

390
00:20:57,820 --> 00:21:00,680
There you go, lads, £20 a go.

391
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:03,200
Again? What's it in anal this time?

392
00:21:03,201 --> 00:21:06,679
It's Freddie and Joan are facing a big
phone bill they can't pay.

393
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,599
Hang on, I thought that was all sorted.
We've been putting in for that for

394
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,779
weeks. You said you'd given it to him
last week.

395
00:21:11,780 --> 00:21:12,539
I did.

396
00:21:12,540 --> 00:21:15,499
But he was that grateful he spent the
next few days bringing everybody up to

397
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:16,439
thank him.

398
00:21:16,440 --> 00:21:18,300
He's got another one now, the dozy sod.

399
00:21:18,500 --> 00:21:19,550
Oh, dear.

400
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,680
Oh, yeah. It's all work, work, work with
my missus nowadays.

401
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,530
And she's working overtime every night
as well.

402
00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:27,880
That's no good, is it?

403
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,860
It's not me, Duffy. I don't mind.

404
00:21:30,140 --> 00:21:31,820
It's the kids I'm concerned about.

405
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:33,450
How do you mean?

406
00:21:33,451 --> 00:21:36,459
Well, they've got to stay in the after
-school club now. They've already had a

407
00:21:36,460 --> 00:21:39,699
full day of it. And they've got to stay
in there because she can't pick them up

408
00:21:39,700 --> 00:21:41,440
until she's finished working late.

409
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:42,550
Oh, dear me.

410
00:21:42,780 --> 00:21:43,840
And they ate it.

411
00:21:43,841 --> 00:21:48,249
They sit by that window, breaking their
little hearts every day, just waiting to

412
00:21:48,250 --> 00:21:49,300
be picked up.

413
00:21:50,230 --> 00:21:51,280
They'll be there now.

414
00:21:54,410 --> 00:21:56,270
Hey -o, here's the dumb damn kid now.

415
00:21:56,271 --> 00:22:00,649
I reckon we should have a word with him
about whether he's leaving or not.

416
00:22:00,650 --> 00:22:01,700
I do, yeah.

417
00:22:01,701 --> 00:22:03,549
We're the ones who drink in here, aren't
we?

418
00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:04,610
We deserve to know.

419
00:22:04,830 --> 00:22:05,880
Come on.

420
00:22:09,750 --> 00:22:11,610
Mel, I'll be with you in a minute, lads.

421
00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:13,310
It's not Mel we've come to see, Ken.

422
00:22:13,311 --> 00:22:14,319
It's you.

423
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:15,370
All right.

424
00:22:15,371 --> 00:22:17,559
Is it right you're throwing the towel
in?

425
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,299
Well, I could be last, why would you
miss me?

426
00:22:19,300 --> 00:22:21,590
Actually, we would, Ken, as daft as it
sounds.

427
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:24,080
Is it the brewery messing you about?

428
00:22:24,081 --> 00:22:25,759
They never stop messing me about.

429
00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:26,719
I'm sick of it.

430
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,039
Oh, you don't want that, Ken.

431
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:30,999
They've got landlords running about like
headless chickens now just to get a few

432
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:32,019
more punters in.

433
00:22:32,020 --> 00:22:33,070
It's not on, is it?

434
00:22:33,071 --> 00:22:35,619
They've got him running himself into the
ground like the oak.

435
00:22:35,620 --> 00:22:37,440
Well, he would, the creeping get.

436
00:22:37,441 --> 00:22:39,479
Do you know what they've got him doing
tonight?

437
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,079
Filling night with salami earlier.

438
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:42,130
What? Go on.

439
00:22:42,350 --> 00:22:43,810
A Miss Wet T -shirt contest.

440
00:22:43,811 --> 00:22:45,349
Bloody hell.

441
00:22:45,350 --> 00:22:48,329
If that's not scraping the bottom of the
barrel, I don't know what is.

442
00:22:48,330 --> 00:22:51,220
I thought we'd seen the last of that
kind of crap in the 80s.

443
00:22:52,210 --> 00:22:53,710
We're going bloody backwards.

444
00:22:54,930 --> 00:22:56,190
It's sad, isn't it, lads?

445
00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:01,740
Bloody hell.

446
00:23:02,730 --> 00:23:05,030
Dad, I'm getting off in a minute, if
that's OK.

447
00:23:05,031 --> 00:23:06,829
I said I'd meet Dean at half -past.

448
00:23:06,830 --> 00:23:07,649
Yeah, no problem.

449
00:23:07,650 --> 00:23:10,180
And you don't want me playing
gooseberry, do you?

450
00:23:10,181 --> 00:23:11,719
What do you mean?

451
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:13,760
You know what I mean, Buffalo Bill.

452
00:23:14,620 --> 00:23:15,670
All right.

453
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,550
You don't think I'm making a fool of
myself, do you?

454
00:23:19,551 --> 00:23:21,459
You don't feel like an old fool.

455
00:23:21,460 --> 00:23:22,960
No, I think you should go for it.

456
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:24,980
You think so, love? Yeah, I do.

457
00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:26,630
Oh, good.

458
00:23:26,631 --> 00:23:28,939
I was worried about what you might
think.

459
00:23:28,940 --> 00:23:31,530
Well, you needn't have. I think she's
lovely, Tanya.

460
00:23:31,700 --> 00:23:32,750
Yeah, so do I.

461
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,800
I was thinking of asking her out
tonight, but my bottle's going a bit

462
00:23:38,360 --> 00:23:40,470
They ain't out never one for their
maiden.

463
00:23:40,670 --> 00:23:41,720
You're bloody right.

464
00:23:42,110 --> 00:23:44,760
I think I might have a few of these
first, though, eh?

465
00:23:45,410 --> 00:23:46,460
Dad.

466
00:23:46,630 --> 00:23:47,680
What?

467
00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:49,270
Lose the cowboy collars, eh?

468
00:23:49,841 --> 00:23:51,849
You think so?

469
00:23:51,850 --> 00:23:53,970
Well, she's not calamity Jane, is she?

470
00:23:55,010 --> 00:23:56,410
Go on, suck off.

471
00:23:58,661 --> 00:24:00,669
There you go, lads.

472
00:24:00,670 --> 00:24:01,720
Cheers, kid.

473
00:24:02,850 --> 00:24:04,350
These are getting on my nerves.

474
00:24:04,650 --> 00:24:06,880
Dad, can I have a tenner out the way,
please?

475
00:24:08,671 --> 00:24:10,559
That's right.

476
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,860
You don't owe me this much.

477
00:24:12,380 --> 00:24:14,240
All right, you go and have a good night.

478
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:15,330
Thanks, Dad.

479
00:24:15,660 --> 00:24:16,710
You too.

480
00:24:16,711 --> 00:24:20,839
You're not spoiling her again, are you,
Ken?

481
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:21,900
Well, she's worth it.

482
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,900
The girls work hard behind this bar.

483
00:24:23,901 --> 00:24:26,819
I've been thinking I should give them a
bit more.

484
00:24:26,820 --> 00:24:29,779
You've been after giving Tanya a bit
more for quite a while, haven't you,

485
00:24:29,780 --> 00:24:33,019
She'll have to be a fine thing. Oh, give
over, will you? From what we've seen,

486
00:24:33,020 --> 00:24:34,159
you've got every chance.

487
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:34,899
You reckon?

488
00:24:34,900 --> 00:24:37,250
Take it from us, Ken. We're coppers,
aren't we?

489
00:24:37,360 --> 00:24:38,420
We don't miss much.

490
00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:40,180
No, no, you don't.

491
00:24:40,181 --> 00:24:43,819
Do you not reckon she's a bit too young
and good -looking for someone like me?

492
00:24:43,820 --> 00:24:45,099
Oh, what does that matter?

493
00:24:45,100 --> 00:24:46,519
Well, it shouldn't do, should it?

494
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:48,319
She obviously sees something in you.

495
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:51,219
You'll be like them two in the films.
What are their names now?

496
00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:52,660
I know who you're thinking of.

497
00:24:52,661 --> 00:24:56,499
Catherine Zeta -Jones and Michael
Douglas. No, no, Esmeralda and that

498
00:24:56,500 --> 00:24:57,550
rings the bell.

499
00:24:57,840 --> 00:24:59,200
She is nice, thanks a lot.

500
00:24:59,620 --> 00:25:00,960
I know I'm no oil painting.

501
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,720
Not unless you count Picasso.

502
00:25:02,721 --> 00:25:08,369
I shouldn't worry about it, Ken. I mean,
it never stopped Paul Daniels, did it,

503
00:25:08,370 --> 00:25:09,569
with the lovely Debbie?

504
00:25:09,570 --> 00:25:13,370
No, that's magic. What about Bruce
Forsyth and that Miss World he's married

505
00:25:13,450 --> 00:25:14,500
She's half his age.

506
00:25:14,510 --> 00:25:16,250
That is playing a generation game.

507
00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,210
And didn't he do well?

508
00:25:19,010 --> 00:25:20,510
Come on, Ken.

509
00:25:20,830 --> 00:25:23,660
This could be your big night if you play
your cards right.

510
00:25:24,730 --> 00:25:26,490
Good day. Nice to see you.

511
00:25:26,710 --> 00:25:27,760
See you.

512
00:25:27,810 --> 00:25:28,860
Nice.

513
00:25:52,310 --> 00:25:53,410
And everyone knows.

514
00:25:54,630 --> 00:25:56,800
You're knocking it back tonight, are
you?

515
00:25:56,801 --> 00:25:58,209
Well, you know what they say.

516
00:25:58,210 --> 00:25:59,650
If it feels good, do it.

517
00:26:00,110 --> 00:26:01,160
To the regiment.

518
00:26:01,270 --> 00:26:03,130
I wish I was there.

519
00:26:03,970 --> 00:26:05,020
Good game.

520
00:26:12,460 --> 00:26:15,410
Hi, Deb. Is he having one? No, just get
your own. I'm all right.

521
00:26:16,420 --> 00:26:17,470
Where's Ken?

522
00:26:17,740 --> 00:26:19,300
Is he out with his missus again?

523
00:26:22,660 --> 00:26:25,960
Oh, Daniel, I won't be a second. I'll
just put the lad in the back.

524
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:27,450
Right.

525
00:26:33,220 --> 00:26:37,540
There you go, nice.

526
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:39,940
Excuse me a minute, gents.

527
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:56,140
See you next time, love.

528
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:57,490
Please, Ken.

529
00:26:58,760 --> 00:26:59,810
It's not me, this.

530
00:26:59,811 --> 00:27:02,299
I'm glad you're coming, love.

531
00:27:02,300 --> 00:27:03,380
I wanted to have a word.

532
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,590
Actually, I wanted to have a word with
you.

533
00:27:11,150 --> 00:27:13,380
I've come in to give you a week's
notice, Ken.

534
00:27:16,950 --> 00:27:18,090
What, you're leaving?

535
00:27:18,310 --> 00:27:19,360
Yeah, that's right.

536
00:27:25,150 --> 00:27:26,200
Right.

537
00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:28,950
What did you want me for?

538
00:27:31,550 --> 00:27:35,290
Erm... You've not seen the football card
knocking about, have you?

539
00:27:37,770 --> 00:27:39,150
I haven't, no, I'm sorry.

540
00:27:45,900 --> 00:27:46,950
Turn up, eh?

541
00:27:50,900 --> 00:27:51,950
Okay, then.

542
00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:57,680
Plant them out, please, Ken.

543
00:28:02,920 --> 00:28:09,439
You were born with football boots and a
sun tank complexion. You once thought

544
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:12,600
that on reflection, you'd really got me.

545
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:17,860
You once thought that unreflection,
you've really got it made.

546
00:28:18,140 --> 00:28:23,480
You once thought that unreflection, oh
yeah, I've really got it made.

547
00:28:25,780 --> 00:28:31,240
Rushing through the storm, captivated by
the world beyond.

548
00:28:33,770 --> 00:28:38,170
There is a wealth of mercy to enjoy from
one foot in the grave to nighty -night.

549
00:28:38,171 --> 00:28:42,029
Just two of the delights on offer in the
Classic Comedy Collection, available

550
00:28:42,030 --> 00:28:44,570
now on bbciplayer .com.

551
00:28:44,620 --> 00:28:49,170
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